SINAI CHAPELS, New York funeral home, Jewish funeral, New York funeral services, New York Funeral Arrangements, Jewish funeral home, New York funeral, Jewish funeral services, Jewish Funeral Arrangements, Fresh Meadows funeral home, Fresh Meadows funeral, Fresh Meadows funeral services, Fresh Meadows Funeral Arrangements, Fresh Meadows Cremation, Jewish Cremation, New York Cremation


Home Chapels Staff Arrange a Funeral Mourning Customs Ask the Rabbi Preplanning Monuments Local Cemeteries Helpful Resources Yahrzeit Calendar News Contact Us	Jewish Mourning Customs This section is a general guide to Jewish customs and traditions regarding funerals, mourning rituals, and associated practices. There are many varying customs, and one should always follow one’s legitimate family or community practices. Always consult your Rabbi for personal guidance and to answer questions related to Jewish law, practice and tradition. If you do not have access to a Rabbi, please feel free to contact Sinai Chapels, where Rabbi Michael P. Strasberg, Director of Pastoral Services, will try to answer your questions and advise you. INTRODUCTION STAGES OF MOURNING THE FUNERAL SERVICE AT THE CEMETERY SHIVAH LOW STOOLS AND COVERING MIRRORS THE MEAL OF CONSOLATION CONDOLENCE CALLS ADDITIONAL SHIVAH CUSTOMS AND RESTRICTIONS THE MINYAN AND THE KADDISH SHELOSHIM MONUMENTS THE UNVEILING A CONCLUDING WORD INTRODUCTION Part of the greatness of Judaism is the fact that it affords us concrete ways of working through our grief while, at the same time, allowing us to demonstrate our respect and affection for those, now gone, whose lives touched ours with love and caring. Most often, as we act on those mitzvot, we ease our pain and sadness as well. This article is by no means exhaustive. Should you wish to delve further into the customs and ceremonies described herein, please consult your rabbi, or feel free to contact our staff Rabbi at . STAGES OF MOURNING What are the stages of Jewish mourning? Traditional Judaism delineates a series of steps, beginning with the moment of death, as follows: Aninut - from death to burial. Shivah – the first seven days of mourning; the day of burial is day one. Sheloshim – the first thirty days from the day of burial, including the shivah; the complete mourning period for all except for a parent. Yud-bet chodesh – the “year of mourning”, actually the twelve Hebrew months following the day of death, the mourning period for a parent. Yahrzeit – the anniversary date of the death, according to the Jewish calendar. What is the meaning of Aninut? Aninut, a Hebrew word meaning "deep sorrow," is a legal category of mourning used to designate the period from death to burial. An individual who has lost a loved one is referred as an "Onen" during this time. Are there any special requirements of an Onen? Quite the contrary. Jewish tradition recognizes that the enormous pain and shock of loss must be respected. Accordingly, an onen is freed from the responsibility of performing any positive Mitzvot (except observing the Shabbat), such as reciting the Shema or putting on Tefilin. In addition, even close friends are instructed not to express condolence "when his deceased lies before him" (Pirke Avot IV:23) but rather to wait until after the interment. That is why it is only as the family leaves the cemetery that friends are first allowed, by tradition, to utter the traditional words of comfort: "May the Almighty comfort you among all the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." What is Avelut? Avelut, a Hebrew word meaning "lamenting," refers to the mourning period following interment. A mourner during this period is called an avel. Avelut, which follows aninut, encompasses the mourning customs of Shivah, Sheloshim, and, when a parent has died, the entire twelve-month mourning period. TO TOP THE FUNERAL SERVICE When should the funeral service take place? By Jewish law and custom, the burial should take place as soon as possible, preferably within 24 hours of death. When this is not feasible, Jewish law requires one to complete the arrangements as expeditiously as possible. Where should the service take place? Everything done for the deceased falls under the rubric of “k’vod ha-meit,” respect for the deceased. Most funeral services take place in the chapel at the funeral home. It is usually the most convenient and dignified location for the service, providing a comfortable and proper locale to eulogize and memorialize your loved one. A chapel service is not subject to the vagaries of the weather, or other outside distractions. At Sinai Chapels, we pride ourselves on the beauty and dignity of our facilities, and we make every effort to do whatever possible to ease the family through this most difficult time. There are, however, times when an alternative location might be appropriate. If, for example, only a very few people will be attending, or because of geographical considerations, one might choose to hold the service at the gravesite. If the deceased had been an active member of a Synagogue, and local custom permits, the service might take place in the Synagogue. Our staff and your Rabbi will be able to advise you. How do I prepare for the service? If the Rabbi is the only speaker, then your meeting with the Rabbi will provide all the information necessary for the eulogy. If others in the family, or friends, plan to speak, then they will make the necessary preparations. Although it can be very honorable to the deceased for family members to speak, keep in mind that it is very difficult to eulogize someone, it is a very emotional time for the family, and excessive eulogizing tends to detract from the dignity of the occasion. You should plan to be at the funeral home approximately an hour before the scheduled start of the service (note that funeral services almost always start exactly on time!) in order to take care of any unfinished paperwork, make an identification of the deceased (if desired), and to be available to acknowledge friends and family coming to the service. What should I wear? There is no prescribed “funeral attire”, nor must the clothing be black. You should wear comfortable, yet dignified attire, appropriate to the occasion, a religious ceremony commemorating the life of your loved one. If you plan to do a traditional k’riyah, cutting the garments, be sure to wear something “cuttable.” How long does the service take? The “average” funeral service at the chapel, with only the Rabbi speaking, usually takes 20-30 minutes. If others will be speaking, the length of the service obviously, then, depends on them. If there are multiple speakers, the service could take an hour. Please advise the Rabbi and the Sinai staff if there will be additional speakers. Should I bring children? Jewish tradition regards a funeral as a very important part of the life cycle, and an important educational opportunity. Children are naturally curious, and amazingly resilient. They will absorb as much as is appropriate for their age and level of maturity. They will ask questions; answers need not be complete, but should always be truthful. Most children are perfectly capable of dealing with such stressful situations, sometimes actually better than adults, and under normal circumstances their presence at both the funeral service and the burial is appropriate. Ultimately, however, you know your own children, and must make a decision based on what is best for them and for you. TO TOP AT THE CEMETERY What is the procedure at the cemetery? The burial in the ground (k’vurah b’karka) is the most important part of the funeral. Therefore, everyone who is able should make every effort to “accompany the deceased” (levayah) to the cemetery. Upon arrival at the cemetery and filing the papers at the office, the procession will continue to the gravesite, where the casket is carried to the grave, accompanied by the family and friends. After lowering the casket, it is then appropriate for all present to participate in the actual burial by shoveling earth into the grave, as it is the primary responsibility of the family and the community. As different Rabbis have differing standards and procedures they follow, please take direction from the Rabbi. After the appropriate prayers have been recited, friends and family traditionally form two lines, facing each other, so the immediate mourners may walk between them to hear the first words of comfort after the burial, “ha-makom y’nachem etchem b’toch sh’ar aveilei tzion vi-rushalayim.” How long does it take? The service at the cemetery, depending upon which prayers need to be recited and how much of the grave is to be filled in, could take from 15-45 minutes. Should children come to the cemetery? As noted above, children usually deal quite well with the entire funeral experience. If it is age-appropriate and maturity-appropriate for your child, there is nothing wrong with bringing them. TO TOP SHIVAH The psychological brilliance of Judaism is nowhere more apparent than in its carefully ritualized structure for dealing with grief. The open expression of sorrow is permitted, even encouraged. Yet, beginning with the family’s arrival at the Shivah home after the funeral, a process is set into motion that leads the bereaved gently, but firmly, back to life and the world of the living. The first stage in this gradual process of healing is called Shivah. What is the meaning of shivah? Shivah is a Hebrew word meaning "seven" and refers to a seven-day period of formalized mourning by the immediate family of the deceased. Shivah begins immediately after the burial and concludes a short time after the morning service (Shacharit) on the seventh day. Where is Shivah observed? It is customary to observe Shivah in the home of the deceased. Where this is not possible or feasible, Shivah may be observed in the home of an immediate family member or even a friend. Most importantly, however, the family should be together during this time. For whom is Shivah observed? Jewish law prescribes observance of Shivah for one’s parent, sibling, child, or spouse. When does Shivah begin? Technically, shivah begins immediately after the burial, while still at the cemetery. In fact, many people change into their non-leather shoes worn during shivah while still at the cemetery, to indicate that they are now aveilim. The majority of the rituals of shivah begin, however, when the mourners return to the Shivah home (or to the place of shivah). At that time, prior to entering the house, the hands are washed from a pre-placed container of water, and dried on disposable towels. Then a family member lights the shivah candle which is provided by the funeral home and which burns for seven days (no blessing is recited). The shivah candle serves as a mark of respect for the deceased, as in Jewish tradition the flame is symbolic of the soul. TO TOP LOW STOOLS AND COVERING MIRRORS Jewish tradition prescribes several specific behaviors in the house of mourning as part of the shivah observance. There are two customs in particular that bear examination: Boxes, low stools, or low-cut chairs. The covering of mirrors. What is the purpose of low stools? It is customary for the aveilim, or mourners, to sit on low chairs or boxes during the Shivah period. Indeed, it is possible that this practice resulted in the expression "sitting" Shivah. The intent is not for the mourners to be uncomfortable (no asceticism involved), just for them to sit lower than usual, a recognized sign of mourning. Why are the mirrors covered? Covering the mirrors is less about law than custom. Regardless of whatever superstitious or cultural norms may have originally been behind the institution of the custom, it has become established mourning practice to cover the mirrors in the house of mourning, especially in the public rooms. This also helps remind us that shivah is not so much about ourselves as it is a time to concentrate on the deceased. TO TOP THE MEAL OF CONSOLATION What is the meaning of Seudat Havra’ah? Seudat Havra’ah is a Hebrew term referring to the first meal served to the mourners in the house of mourning upon returning from the cemetery. It is commonly known as the meal of condolence. When did the Seudat Havra’ah originate? The first mention of the Seudat Havra’ah occurs in the Talmud. It directs that the first meal after the burial of a loved one must be provided for the mourners by friends or other family members. What foods are served at the Seudat Havra’ah? The traditional meal of comfort usually includes such foods as lentils, hard-boiled eggs, and bread - all foods which in Judaism are associated either with mourning or with life itself. In addition, any other simple and easily digestible food may be served. It is customary, therefore, to make this a dairy meal. Why do we eat eggs? Eggs are an obvious symbol of life. At the seder table on Pesach, a joyous occasion, they are dipped in salt water to acknowledge that life sometimes brings tears and pain. And, at the Seudat Havra’ah, a time of grief, we eat hard-boiled eggs to affirm hope in the face of death. As eggs harden the more they are cooked, so we eat hard-boiled eggs to symbolize our determination to be resilient in the face of tragedy. Why do we eat bread? Bread is the staff of life in Judaism and, in virtually every major faith. At a time of mourning, it is especially appropriate. May friends bring food to the house of mourning throughout Shivah? Yes. It is considered an act of great caring to free the family from everyday concerns during Shivah, and a specific mitzvah to provide the Seudat Havra’ah. In many communities, a friend or member of the congregation coordinates the provision of meals. TO TOP CONDOLENCE CALLS What is the meaning of Nichum Aveilim? Nichum Aveilim is a Hebrew term meaning "comforting mourners," and refers in part to the Mitzvah of visiting the house of mourning during the Shivah period. When may we begin to visit mourners? Jewish tradition holds that friends should make no effort at consolation before the burial. Accordingly, the appropriate time for a condolence call begins after interment, and continues throughout the Shivah week. What is the purpose of a condolence call? Traditionally, most mourners do not leave their homes during Shivah. It is a time to grieve, to work through pain, and then to take a first step back toward life. The process, however, cannot be undertaken alone. The presence of a support system of friends and family is essential to healing. Your visit helps. Many people are reluctant to visit a house of mourning. They worry about what they should say or do. But what you say or do is the least significant part of a condolence call. Your presence is the greatest gift you can give to the bereaved family. What happens when you arrive? As you enter the house of mourning, simply take a seat in the room where the mourners are sitting. It is customary to wait to speak until after the mourner speaks. But, once you are acknowledged, all you need say is "I’m sorry." That simple phrase, a touch, a hug will mean more to the mourner than you can ever know. What happens then? Shivah is a time when we reminisce, remember, recapture memories of a loved one. As such, what we usually do during a condolence call is to listen to those memories that the mourner wishes to share or to share with the mourner your own memories of the deceased. Usually, you need not stay more than thirty minutes or so. During your visit, supporting, listening, and responding to the mourner should be your primary goal. Do not stay too long, especially if the room is crowded, and do not visit at hours inconvenient to the mourners. What is an appropriate atmosphere in a house of mourning? During the shivah week, we strive to spend the time thinking about our loved one, time spent together, relationships forged, special times shared. It gives the mourners an opportunity to speak openly about those special memories, and for others who knew the deceased to share their memories of the deceased with the mourners. It is not a time for levity or distraction, but of honor and dignity. It is inappropriate to engage in extraneous discussions, or to bring outside topics into the conversation. It is a not a time for eating and drinking (traditionally, mourners do not serve food, and visitors do not eat in a house of mourning), but for respectful memorializing. Should we bring a gift or flowers? No. Except for food, as we have already discussed, it is not customary to bring anything with you to the house of mourning. Again, your presence is the main thing. If you wish to "do something," make a contribution to the deceased’s favorite charity or to a synagogue fund established in his or her memory. A particularly meaningful gesture for many Jews is to plant trees in Israel through the Jewish National Fund. What if we cannot be physically present during Shivah? It is proper and comforting to write a card or note if you cannot be present. If you were close to the deceased, or are friendly with the mourner, it is also appropriate to call. Should we visit mourners on Shabbat? Since one does not publically sit shivah on the Sabbath, we generally do not pay shivah visits on Shabbat. If, however, you are close with the mourner, and your visit would help lift their spirits while not violating the Sabbath, there are times when it might be appropriate to visit. TO TOP ADDITIONAL SHIVAH CUSTOMS AND RESTRICTIONS The Shivah period is technically divided into two parts: The first three days, considered the period of most intensive mourning. The remaining four days. Why are the first three days considered to be the most intense? Modern psychology has demonstrated that the first few days after the death of a loved one are a time of shock and disorientation. Long ago, our Jewish ancestors intuited this same phenomenon without benefit of scientific evidence. What does tradition forbid during Shivah? Among those things Jewish tradition generally proscribes during Shivah are: Leaving the house, except to go to synagogue on Shabbat, or even during the week if there is no minyan at the shivah house. Work or any business pursuits. Shaving or haircuts. Bathing, other than for basic hygiene. The use of cosmetics. The wearing of leather shoes. Festivities of any kind. The wearing of new clothes. Engaging in sexual relations. Study which gives pleasure, including reading the Bible, except for Job, Lamentations, and some sections of Jeremiah. Why are we allowed to leave the house on Shabbat? Jewish tradition forbids public displays of mourning on Shabbat and therefore mourners may go to the synagogue on the Shabbat during shivah. Are there any other circumstances under which we may leave the house during Shivah? Yes. As noted earlier, Jewish law allows mourners to go to the Synagogue every day during shivah if there is no minyan at home. Why are shaving, haircuts, and the use of cosmetics forbidden? We have already discussed the custom of covering mirrors in the house of mourning, which is also a way of emphasizing that personal appearance is simply not important at a time of grief. The same rationale holds for shaving, haircuts, cosmetics, bathing, and the wearing of new clothes. Why do we refrain from wearing leather shoes? It is customary to wear non-leather slippers or rubber or canvas shoes during Shivah, except on Shabbat. Leather shoes are not worn because they are considered a luxury and a sign of satisfaction with our status and the quality of our lives, a feeling antithetical to mourning. In addition, since the wearing of leather shoes is associated with going out of the house, there is no need to wear them during Shivah. Why do we abstain from sexual relations? During Shivah, mourners are to refrain from all pleasurable activities, sex among them. Likewise, mourners traditionally will not read books for enjoyment, watch television, listen to the radio, or engage in other similar pursuits. Is this also why we do not read from the Bible? Yes. Traditionally, we read only those sections of the Tanach which deal with grief, specially Job, Lamentations, and portions of the book of Jeremiah. Additionally, it is certainly permitted to study the laws of mourning. There are two other customs of Shivah that bear mentioning. It is an established tradition that there be, whenever possible, a service twice each day, morning and evening (except on Shabbat), in the place of Shivah. This allows the mourners to recite the Kaddish, without having to leave their homes during the shivah period. There is also a widespread practice that, at the conclusion of the shivah, the mourners walk around the block, symbolizing their re-entry into the world around them after the week of secluded mourning. TO TOP THE MINYAN AND THE KADDISH Why is there a daily minyan in the house of mourning? Jewish law requires mourners to recite the mourner’s Kaddish three times each day - morning, afternoon, and evening - during Shivah. Since a Minyan is required in order to say the mourner’s Kaddish, and since mourners should not leave the home except on Shabbat, friends and family come to the home, to enable the bereaved to fulfill this Mitzvah. What is the meaning of Kaddish? Kaddish is an Aramaic word meaning "holiness." It is derived from the Hebrew word Kodesh ("holy"), which is also the root of the Hebrew words Kiddush ("blessing over wine") and Kedushah ("sanctification"). There are several forms of the Kaddish, one of which is the mourner’s Kaddish. Which forms of the Kaddish specifically mention death? None of them. The Kaddish is a prayer which praises God, expresses the hope that the messianic kingdom will come soon, and supplicates God to bring peace to the world. For whom is Kaddish recited? Jewish tradition generally prescribes the recitation of the mourner’s Kaddish for parents, spouses, siblings, and children. For parents, Kaddish is to be recited daily for eleven Hebrew months following burial. For all other relatives, the Kaddish is recited for thirty days, the period known as Sheloshim. Why eleven months for parents? Shouldn’t it be twelve months? The maximum twelve-month purification process of a soul was only required for individuals who were totally evil. Based on the belief that no child should ever have to acknowledge the possibility of a completely wicked parent, the great scholar, Rabbi Moses Isserles, shortened the required period to eleven months. Who should say Kaddish? Originally, only sons said Kaddish for their parents. Since this was such a respected Mitzvah, parents would often refer to their sons as "my Kaddish." When there was no son, a family would often hire someone to say Kaddish during the eleven-month period. Today, in our diverse communities, there is a wide range of customs and observances regarding the recitation of Kaddish. Everyone should follow the practice of their community or congregation. Consult with your Rabbi if you have questions about which custom to follow. TO TOP SHELOSHIM What is meaning of Sheloshim? Sheloshim is a Hebrew word meaning "thirty" and refers to the traditional thirty-day period of mourning following burial. Sheloshim includes the seven days of Shivah. However, the twenty-three days following the conclusion of Shivah are far less restrictive. Is sheloshim affected by a Jewish festival? Yes. Even as Pesach, Shavuot, Sukot, Rosh Hashanah, and Yom Kippur curtail Shivah, so do they frequently end the Sheloshim. As the rules are somewhat complicated, your Rabbi can best advise you as to your individual circumstance. What are the traditional rules of Sheloshim? After Shivah ends, mourners may return to work. The rules for the balance of Sheloshim, however, wisely prescribe that they not immediately resume a normal daily routine. Specifically: Mourners continue to recite Kaddish in the presence of a minyan three times daily. This provision requires attendance at daily services and thus also insures that the bereaved will be regularly in the midst of a sympathetic support group. Mourners do not attend parties or other festive occasions, especially if there is to be music and/or dancing. If a previously planned extended-family Simchah falls within Sheloshim, a Wedding or Bar/Bat Mitzvah, for example, some mourners may attend the religious service but not the party. If a religious Simchah in the immediate family occurs during Sheloshim, it should not be postponed, but music might be curtailed. Consult with your Rabbi concerning your specific circumstance. Traditionally, mourners do not go to the movies, concerts, or purely social gatherings. As these are forms of entertainment, they are prohibited during Sheloshim. What happens after Sheloshim? Sheloshim concludes the traditional mourning period for all loved ones, except for parents. Most mourners may return to a full business and social life. What if we are mourning parents? As we have seen, traditionally we formally mourn the loss of parents for twelve Hebrew months, reciting Kaddish for eleven of them, while the other mourning restrictions of the sheloshim continue for the twelve-month period. TO TOP MONUMENTS Jewish Tradition prescribes the placement of a monument on the grave of a loved one not just as a sign of love and respect, but as part of the mitzvah of honoring the deceased. The selection of a personalized monument becomes an opportunity to perpetuate memories of your loved one and establish a lasting and unique tribute. For complete information on Jewish customs and traditions regarding matzeivot (monuments) as well as about selecting, inscribing, and arranging for an appropriate monument see www.SinaiMemorials.com TO TOP THE UNVEILING What is an unveiling? An unveiling (hakamat hamatzeivah) is a graveside religious ceremony marking the formal setting of a loved one’s monument at the cemetery, as it is a religious obligation to place a marker at the grave of a loved one. When is the unveiling held? According to Jewish law the monument may be set any time at or after the Sheloshim. While the custom in Israel is to have the unveiling on the Sheloshim itself, most American Jews hold the unveiling service close to the end of the year of mourning. Is there a prescribed ritual for an unveiling? No. Custom dictates a brief ceremony, with family and friends present. Generally, Psalms are recited, followed by some brief words about the deceased, the actual unveiling of the stone, the El Maleh Rachamim (the Memorial Prayer), and the Kaddish. Why do some people leave pebbles on the headstone as they leave the cemetery? In biblical times graves were frequently marked by a pile of stones. They would be toppled by wind and rain, and people would have to re-pile the stones. Some suggest that this may explain the custom of leaving pebbles, that is, by leaving a stone, you are, in effect, resetting the “pile” of stones, and receiving credit as if marking the grave for the first time. Today, the pebbles serve as a visible sign that members of the family came to visit and remember. Where can I get more information about unveilings? For more information regarding unveiling customs and procedures, contact your Rabbi and visit www.SinaiMemorials.com. TO TOP A CONCLUDING WORD We continue to preserve the memory of our loved ones even after the formal period of mourning has ended. We go to the synagogue to recite Kaddish on the anniversary of their death, the Yahrzeit, and at Yizkor memorial services during the year. We may contribute to worthy causes in their name. But, above all, we remember and, through our tender reminiscence, their memory remains a blessing. That is the Jewish way. At Sinai Chapels, we are here to help every member of the family cope with the loss of a loved one. TO TOP