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This article, written by Rabbi Daniel B. Syme, presents basic answers to the questions Jews ask most frequently about Judaism’s prescription for mourning a loved one.
INTRODUCTION
Part of the greatness of Judaism is the fact that it affords us concrete ways of working through our grief while, at the same time, allowing us to demonstrate our respect and affection for those, now gone, whose lives touched ours with love and caring. Most often, as we act on those mitzvot, we ease our pain and sadness as well. This article is by no means exhaustive. Should you wish to delve further into the customs and ceremonies described herein, please consult your rabbi.
STAGES OF MOURNING
What are the stages of Jewish mourning? Traditional Judaism delineates a series of steps, beginning with the moment of death, as follows:
- Aninum - from death to burial.
- Sheloshim - encompassing thirty days from the day of burial, including the first seven days, shivah.
- The year following death.
- Yahrzeit - a perpetual remembrance of loved ones in the context of special worship services.
What is the meaning of Aninum?
Aninum, a Hebrew word meaning "deep sorrow," is a legal category of mourning used to designate the period from death to burial. An individual who has lost a loved one is referred as an "Onen" during this time.
Are there any special requirements of an Onen?
Quite the contrary. Jewish tradition recognizes that the enormous pain and shock of loss must be respected. Accordingly, an onen is freed from the responsibility of performing any positive Mitzvot (except observing the Shabbat), such as reciting the Shema or putting on Tefilin. In addition, even close friends are instructed not to express condolence "when his dead lies before him" (Pirke Avot IV:23) but rather to wait until after the interment. That is why it is only as the family leaves the ceremony that friends are first allowed, by tradition, to utter the traditional words of comfort: "May the Lord comfort you among all the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."
What is Avelut?
Avelut, a Hebrew word meaning "lamenting," refers to the mourning period following interment. A mourner during this period is called an avel. Avelut, which follows aninum, encompasses the mourning customs of Shivah, Sheloshim, and, when a parent has died, an entire year. As mourners and friends approach the home, Shivah begins.
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SHIVAH
The psychological brilliance of Judaism is nowhere more apparent than in its carefully ritualized structure for dealing with grief. The open expression of sorrow is permitted, even encouraged. Yet, beginning with the family’s arrival at their home after the funeral, a process is set into motion that leads the bereaved gently, but firmly, back to life and the world of the living. The first stage in this gradual process of healing is called Shivah.
What is the meaning of shivah?
Shivah is a Hebrew word meaning "seven" and refers to a seven-day period of formalized mourning by the immediate family of the deceased. Shivah begins immediately after the burial and concludes a short time after the morning service (Shacharit) seven days later.
Where is Shivah observed?
It is customary to observe Shivah in the home of the deceased. Where this is not possible, Shivah may be marked in the home of an immediate family member or even a friend. Most importantly, however, the family should be together during this time.
For whom is Shivah observed?
Jewish law prescribes observance of Shivah for one’s parents, sibling, child, or spouse.
How does Shivah begin?
Before mourners and friends enter the home, Orthodoxy prescribes that they first wash their hands in a ritualistic manner, using a pitcher of water and a basin outside the front or back door.
Why are the hands washed?
This custom originated out of superstition and is generally explained in one of three ways. In ancient times, when an individual dies of mysterious causes, the inhabitants of that city often washed their hands at the cemetery, symbolically affirming that they had not shed innocent blood. In later times, washing the hands became a ritual designed to wash off evil demons that some believed might have attached themselves at the cemetery. A third rationale for the practice is to cleanse oneself from the ritual impurity that fostered the prohibitions against Kohanim coming into contact with the dead in any way.
Reform Jews generally do not wash their hands on returning from the cemetery, though some chose to observe this custom.
What happens next?
Upon entering the house, a member of the family generally lights a Shivah candle, which is almost always provided by the funeral home and which burns for seven days. The Shivah candle, also called the Ner Daluk, "burning light," serves as a mark of respect to the memory of the deceased.
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LOW STOOLS AND COVERING MIRRORS
As friends enter the house of mourning, they often find that it looks quite different from its ordinary appearance. That is because Jewish law dictates specific alterations as part of Shivah. There are two customs in particular that bear examination:
- Boxes or low stools in place of, or in addition to, chairs.
- The covering of all mirrors.
What is the purpose of low stools?
It is customary for members of the immediate family to sit on low stools or boxes during the Shivah period. Indeed, it is probable that this practice resulted in the expression "sitting" Shivah.
Why are all mirrors covered?
There is no halachic prescription for covering mirrors. We recall two superstitious fears:
- The soul of a person in the home might be "caught" in the mirror and snatched away by the ghost of the deceased.
- Due to the supposed presence of the angel of death, those seeing their reflections might place their own lives in jeopardy.
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THE MEAL OF CONSOLATION
What is the meaning of Seudat Havra’ah?
Seudat Havra’ah is a Hebrew term referring to mourners in the house of mourning upon returning from the cemetery. It is commonly known as the meal of condolence.
When did the Seudat Havra’ah originate?
The first mention of the Seudat Havra’ah occurs in the Talmud. It directs that the first meal after the burial of a loved one must be provided by friends.
What foods are served at the Seudat Havra’ah?
The traditional meal of comfort usually includes lentils, hard-boiled eggs, and bread - all foods which in Judaism are associated with life. In addition, any other simple and easily digestible food may be served. It is customary, therefore, to make this a dairy meal.
Why do we eat eggs?
Eggs are an obvious symbol of life. At the seder table on Pesach, a joyous occasion, they are dipped in salt water to acknowledge that life sometimes brings tears and pain. And, at the Seudat Havra’ah, a time of grief, we eat hard-boiled eggs to affirm hope in the face of death. As eggs harden the more they are cooked, so we eat hard-boiled eggs to symbolize our determination to be resilient in the face of tragedy.
Why do we eat bread?
Bread is the staff of life in Judaism and, in virtually every major faith. At a time of mourning, it is especially appropriate.
Is it permitted to have liquor at the Seudat Havra’ah?
Wine or liquor may be drank in moderation and should not be used as an attempt to totally avoid the reality of bereavement or feelings of loss. The meal of consolation is a Mitzvah, not in any way a social event.
May friends bring food to the house of mourning throughout Shivah?
Yes. It is considered an act of great caring to free the family from everyday concerns during Shivah.
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CONDOLENCE CALLS
What is the meaning of Nichum Avelim?
Nichum Avelim is a Hebrew term meaning "comforting mourners," and refers in part to the Mitzvah of visiting the house of mourning during the Shivah period.
When may we begin to visit mourners?
Jewish tradition holds that friends should make no effort at consolation before the burial. Accordingly, the appropriate time for a condolence call begins after interment during the Shivah week.
What is the purpose of a condolence call?
As we shall see, most mourners do not leave their homes during shivah. It is a time to grieve, to work through pain, and then to take a first step back toward life. The process, however, cannot be undertaken alone. The presence of a support system of friends and family is essential to healing. Your visit helps. Many people are reluctant to visit a house of mourning. They worry about what they should say or do. But what you say or do is the least significant part of a condolence call. Your presence is the greatest gift you can give to the bereaved family.
What happens when you arrive?
As you enter the house of mourning, a member or friend of the family may meet you and usher you into the living room. It is customary to wait to speak until after the mourner speaks. But, once you are acknowledged, all you need say is "I’m sorry." That simple phrase, a touch, a hug will mean more to the mourner than you can ever know.
What happens then?
Shivah is a time when we reminisce, remember, recapture memories of a loved one. As such, what we usually do during a condolence call is to listen to those memories that mourner wishes to share or to talk about other subjects initiated by the mourner which may have nothing to do with his or her loss. Usually, you need not stay more than thirty to forty-five minutes. During your visit, supporting, listening, and responding to the mourner should be your primary goal.
Should we bring a gift or flowers?
No. Except for food, as we have already discussed, it is not customary to bring anything with you to the house of mourning. Again, your presence is the main thing. If you wish to "do something," make a contribution to the deceased’s favorite charity or to a synagogue fund established in his or her memory. A particularly meaningful gesture for many Jews is to plant trees in Israel through the Jewish National Fund.
What if we cannot be physically present during Shivah?
It is proper and comforting to write a card or note if you cannot be present. If you were close to the deceased, mourners would usually also welcome a phone call.
Should we visit mourners on Shabbat?
Since Jewish law prohibits sitting Shivah on Shabbat, some scholars have asserted that receiving visitors could create the impression that the family was violating halachah. Therefore, powerful custom has resulted in the general prohibition of Shabbat Shivah visits.
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ADDITIONAL SHIVAH CUSTOMS AND RESTRICTIONS
The Shivah period is divided into two parts:
- The first three days, considered the period of most intensive mourning.
- The remaining four days.
Why are the first three days considered to be the most intense?
Modern psychology has demonstrated that the first few days after the death of a loved one are a time of shock and disorientation. Long ago, our Jewish ancestors intuited this same phenomenon without benefit of scientific evidence.
What does tradition forbid during Shivah?
Among those things traditional Judaism generally proscribes during Shivah are:
- Leaving the house, except to go to synagogue on Shabbat.
- Work or any business pursuits.
- Shaving or haircuts.
- Bathing, other than for the most elementary hygiene.
- The use of cosmetics.
- The wearing of leather shoes.
- Festivities of any kind.
- The wearing of new clothes.
- Engaging in marital sex.
- Reading the Bible, except for Job, Lamentations, and some sections of Jeremiah.
Why are we allowed to leave the house on Shabbat?
Jewish tradition forbids mourning on Shabbat and specifies that mourners are to go to the synagogue on the Shabbat following a loved one’s death.
Are there any other circumstances under which we may leave the house during Shivah?
Yes. Jewish law allows those who would otherwise experience severe financial loss to return to work after three days.
Why are shaving, haircuts, and the use of cosmetics forbidden?
We have already discussed the custom of covering mirrors in the house of mourning, which is also a way of emphasizing that personal appearance is important at a time of grief. The same rationale holds for shaving, haircuts, cosmetics, bathing, and the wearing of new clothes.
Why do we refrain from wearing leather shoes?
It is customary to wear slippers or rubber or canvas shoes during Shivah. Leather shoes are not worn because they are considered a luxury (Talmud, Yora Deah). In addition, since the wearing of leather shoes is associated with going out of the house, there is no need to wear them during Shivah.
Why do we abstain from sex?
During Shivah, mourners are to refrain from all pleasurable activities, sex among them. Likewise, traditional Jews will not read books for enjoyment, watch television, listen to the radio, or engage in other similar pursuits.
Is this also why we do not read from the Bible?
Yes. Traditional Jews will read only those sections of the Tanach which deal with grief, specially Job, Lamentations, and portions of the book of Jeremiah.
Must we wear black during Shivah?
No. Wearing black is not required. Dark clothes are not mentioned in the Bible and only alluded to in the Talmud. Though some Jews in Egypt wear black for the entire year following a bereavement, it is not a widespread custom in any other Jewish community.
There are two other customs of Shivah that bear repeating, one extremely rare, the other quite common. The first is a practice rooted in superstition that occurs at the end of Shivah. In some communities, at the conclusion of Shivah, mourners walk outside of their homes and around the block, ostensibly escorting the soul of the deceased out of the home and allowing it to ascend heavenward at last. A practice that is far more common, and a requirement of Jewish law, is a service twice each day, morning and evening (except on Shabbat), in the place of Shivah. This allows the mourners to recite the Kaddish, since they are not permitted to leave their homes during this period.
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THE MINYAN AND THE KADDISH
Why is there a daily minyan in the house of mourning?
Jewish law requires mourners to recite the mourner’s Kaddish three times each day - morning, afternoon, and evening - during Shivah. Since a Minyan of ten adult male Jews is required in order to say the mourner’s Kaddish, and since mourners are not allowed to leave the home except on Shabbat, friends and family come to the home, to enable the bereaved to fulfill this Mitzvah.
What is the meaning of Kaddish?
Kaddish is an Aramaic word meaning "sanctification." It is derived from the Hebrew word Kodesh ("holy"), which is also the root of the Hebrew words Kiddush ("blessing over vine") and Kedushah ("the sanctification" in the prayer service), and the Aramaic word Kiddushim (the wedding service"). There are many forms of the Kaddish, only one of which is the mourner’s Kaddish.
Which forms of the Kaddish specifically mention death?
None of them. The Kaddish is a prayer which praises God, expresses the hope that the messianic kingdom will come soon, and supplicates God to bring peace to the world.
For whom is Kaddish recited?
Jewish law requires the recitation of the mourner’s Kaddish for parents, spouses, siblings, and children. For parents, Kaddish is to be recited daily for eleven months following burial. For all other relatives, the Kaddish is recited for thirty days, the period known as Sheloshim.
Why eleven months for parents?
Shouldn’t it be twelve months? The maximum twelve-month purification process of a soul was only required for individuals who were totally evil. Based on the belief that no child should ever have to acknowledge the possibility of a completely wicked parent, the great scholar, Rabbi Moses Isserles, shortened the required period to eleven months. Reform Jews generally say Kaddish for twelve months, retaining the talmudic custom.
Who says Kaddish?
Originally, only sons said Kaddish for their parents. Since this was such a respected Mitzvah, parents would often refer to their sons as "my Kaddish." When there was no son, a family would often hire someone to say Kaddish during the eleven-month period.
What about daughters?
In Orthodoxy, women are not required to recite Kaddish and are sometimes discouraged from doing so. There is a powerful story told by Henrietta Szold. When her mother died, a male friend offered to recite Kaddish for her mother in her stead. Szold wrote a letter to her friend, which read in part:
"It is impossible for me to find words in which to tell you how deeply I was touched by your offer to act as Kaddish for my dear mother… You will wonder, then, why I cannot accept your offer… The Kaddish means to me, that the survivor publicly and markedly manifests his wish and intention to assume the relation to the Jewish community which his parent had, so that the chain of tradition remains unbroken from generation to generation…
I believe that the elimination of women from such duties was never intended by our law and custom; women were freed from positive duties when they could not perform them, but not when they could… My mother had eight daughters and no son, yet never did I hear a word of regret pass the lips of either of my mother or my father that one of us was not a son. When my father died, my mother would not permit others to take her daughters’ place in saying the Kaddish, and so I am sure I am acting in her spirit when I am moved to decline your offer…"
In Reform Judaism, both men and women may and should recite Kaddish for a deceased parent.
Why do we stand during the Kaddish?
In traditional congregations, only mourners stand during the mourner’s Kaddish as a way of alerting the community to those in grief and perhaps in need of an extra measure of caring. In most Reform congregations, the entire congregation rises as a symbol of respect to the memory of the departed to recite Kaddish for those who have no one to say it for them, and for victims of the Holocaust.
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SHELOSHIM
What is meaning of Sheloshim?
Sheloshim is a Hebrew word meaning "thirty" and refers to the traditional thirty-day period of mourning following burial. Sheloshim includes the seven days of Shivah. However, the twenty-three days following the conclusion of Shivah are far less restrictive.
May sheloshim be shortened by a Jewish festival?
Yes. Even as Pesach, Shavuot, Sukot, Rosh Hashanah, and Yom Kippur curtail Shivah, so do they "break" Sheloshim, except in the case of a parent. Your Rabbi can advise you as to your individual circumstances.
What are the traditional rules of Sheloshim?
After Shivah ends, mourners may return to work. The rules for the balance of Sheloshim, however, wisely prescribe that they not immediately resume a normal daily routine. Specifically:
- Mourners continue to recite Kaddish in the presence of a Minyan three times daily. This provision requires attendance at daily services and also insures that the bereaved will be regularly in the midst of a sympathetic support group.
- Mourners do not attend parties or other festive occasions, especially if there is to be music and/or dancing. If a previously planned extended-family Simchah falls within Sheloshim, a wedding or bar Mitzvah, for example, mourners may attend the religious service but not the party. If a religious Simchah in the immediate family occurs during Sheloshim, it should not be postponed, but any music should be canceled.
- Mourners do not go to the movies, sporting events, or purely social gatherings. As these are forms of entertainment, they are prohibited during Sheloshim.
- Mourners do not visit the graves of their loved ones. Custom, not Halachah, prescribes that the grave not be visited for the duration of Sheloshim. Reform Jews, however, feel free to visit the cemetery after the end of Shivah.
What happens after Sheloshim?
Sheloshim concludes the traditional mourning period for all loved ones, except for parents. Most mourners may return to a full business and social life.
What if we are mourning parents?
As we have seen, Orthodox Jews formally mourn the loss of parents for eleven months, Reform Jews for twelve. Reform Jews may recite Kaddish at a daily Minyan or regularly at Shabbat services. The restrictions on social activities are a matter of personal choice.
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TOMBSTONES
Did Jews always have tombstones?
No. In biblical times, most Jews were buried in simple, unmarked graves, in open fields, or in family caves. Some families had sufficient means and stability such that generations of their members were all buried in a single cave. Hence the biblical phrase: "And he was gathered to his fathers."
Are tombstones mentioned in the Bible?
Yes. In the Book of Genesis 35:20, Jacob is described as sitting up a pillar at the site of his wife Rachel’s grave. To this day, tourists to Israel visit "Rachel’s Tomb." In II Kings 23:16-18, King Josiah sees the tomb of a prophet and instructs that it not be disturbed. Finally, the prophet Ezekiel (39:15) commands that, if the bones of the dead are found, "set up a sign by it." Thus we see that, while headstones were not the norm among the Israelites, they were not unknown.
What is the Hebrew word for tombstone?
Several terms were used to designate the various types of grave markers:
- Matzevah ("Monument"). The sort of marker that Jacob erected for Rachel.
- Tziyun ("Signpost"). A simple marker, usually used to mark the graves of Kohanim.
- Nefest ("Soul") or Bayit ("House"). A more elaborate monument, often quite large and costy.
It is fitting that modern Jews use the word Matzevah to designate the stone we select for those we loved so dearly, even as Jacob crafted one for his beloved Rachel.
What did Jews inscribe on tombstones?
At first, nothing. As with the use of monuments, the notion of inscriptions was borrowed from the Greeks and Romans. Over time, certain elements became standard for all markers:
- The full Hebrew name of the deceased.
- The Hebrew calendar date of death.
- The English (or French or Turkish, etc.) name.
- The secular calendar dates of birth and death.
In addition, some Jews began to add symbols and Hebrew phrases to the stones of their beloved.
What were the most common symbols?
The most frequently employed symbols then, as today, include:
- The seven-branched Menorah.
- Symbol of the Israelites in the Bible and of the State of Israel today.
- Hands raised in blessing (for Kohanim). This symbol, the hands of the Kohanim, reflects the hope that God will grant the deceased the peace mentioned in the threefold priestly benediction.
- A cup. Symbolically, the cup of the Levites in the Jerusalem Temple, common for Jews who are Levi. From time to time, particularly ornate Jewish tombstones display a photograph of the deceased mounted in heavy plastic, but it is very rare.
How do we select monuments today?
Arrangements for a gravestone should be made as soon as possible after the funeral. The size of the stone and the inscription should be a family decision. Your local funeral director can recommend one or more stonesmiths. The monument may be made out of stone or metal, upright or flat. It should be dignified and not ostentatious Your rabbi can help you select an appropriate text, which should be reviewed carefully before the stone is prepared.
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THE UNVEILINGS
What is an unveiling?
An unveiling is a graveside religious ceremony marking the formal setting of a loved one’s headstone at the cemetery. It is an American custom, recent in origin, borrowed and adapted from American culture.
When is the unveiling held?
According to Jewish law, as we have noted, the gravestone may be set any time after Sheloshim has concluded. Most Jews, however, hold the unveiling service at the end of the year of mourning.
Is there a prescribed ritual for an unveiling?
No. Custom dictates a brief ceremony, with immediate family and perhaps a few very close friends present. Generally, Psalms are recited, followed by some brief words about the deceased, the actual unveiling of the stone, the El Male Rachanim, and the Kaddish. Traditional Judaism requires a Minyan for Kaddish while Reform does not.
Why do some people leave pebbles on the headstone as they leave the cemetery?
In biblical times, as we have seen, graves were sometimes marked by a pile of stones. Some scholars suggest that this may explain the custom of leaving pebbles. Today, the pebbles serve as a visible sign that members of the family came to visit and remember.
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A CONCLUDING WORD
We continue to preserve the memory of our loved ones even after the formal period of mourning has ended. We go to the synagogue to recite Kaddish on the anniversary of their passing, Yahrzeit, and at Memorial or Yizkor services as well. We may contribute to worthy causes in their name. But, above all, we remember and, through our tender reminiscence, their memory remains a blessing. That is the Jewish way.
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We are here to help every member of the family cope with the loss of a loved one.
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